Are stretched taut, almost to breaking point.
We walked in to the hospital Saturday afternoon, my two boys, my husband and I, for my frail mother to promptly burst into tears and exclaim "I wish I was dead!" Now, do not think I do not have compassion for my mother in this horribly painful predicament but she is an adult. Yes, an elderly, fragile, ill adult, but an adult all the same. I kicked the rest of my family into the common room and sat down for some tough love. I told her I could not be there if she continued in that frame of mind, I just do not have the strength.
The thing is, we go through this with EVERY fracture in recent years. I was wrong, I thought this was number four, when it is actually number five since 1991. But the last three have followed a nearly identical pattern, as has her behaviour. I know she is scared, I know she is in incredible pain, I know she is frustrated and angry. I do not care if she vents such issues to myself - BUT NOT IN FRONT OF THE KIDS! God, I know I am frustrated and angry and scared.
Because in this situation at this point in time we have a new issue. We have a little boy of eleven years threatening to kill himself. We have a child in such a dark place that all surrounding him are truly concerned about his actions, and what may happen. We have terrifyingly violent outbursts, and serious personal safety issues, so serious that I sat here shaking at the thought of him going to school yesterday. Wondering if my child would be in one piece to pick up. And so I did not send him... I rang our psychologist instead. I cannot go into this in any further detail right now. I just can't.
Many have asked for an update on WW and her treatment, and I am sorry but have just not had the emotional energy or the time to answer. To be honest I am not sure what will happen. At her age it is so simple for it to become life threatening. And the hospital does not seem to either understand or care. I cannot write in detail, but here in point form are recent events:
* WW is legally blind. Normally has some vision but the pain medication makes her drowsy and lowers her vision. They are dumping her meals and running. She cannot see them, she cannot lean forward due to pain, and so doesn't eat. I am trying to be there twice a day for lunch and dinner but it is 1 hours drive each way TWICE daily and my kids need me too. Am so torn and the guilt is killing me.
* Staff come in do obs. To do so they move her walker out of the way. Do not put it back. She cannot move without it. She is going to fall if they do not stop this.
* Getting in and out of bed is excrutiating for her BUT she is better doing it herself. Last night they ignored her pleas to let her get herself comfortable, rolled her, slid her, and changed the bed around on her. She was in agony, and today was far worse than the day we brought her in to hospital. She had been slightly improved but now can barely move and screams in pain when she does. Oh, and they turned the bathroom light off, closed her door, left her alone, unable to move in the dark. Scared. Helpless.
And they now wonder why when I rang this afternoon (was there until 1pm but had to bring Boy 2 home after appointment) I told them in no uncertain terms that I am her advocate and as such if they fuck up again I will bring our legal team into it, as I did with the last hospital. Don't mess with me, I am tired, stressed and fucking angry that you are such arrogant idiots - have you forgotten the part of the hypocratic oath that states: DO NO HARM! She is my mother and by God she is neither stupid nor suffering dementia... listen to her.
There is more, but I cannot go into it I am so very tired and so truly guilty that I am not with her this afternoon. I wish I was twins. I wish my sister was alive. I wish I could be there for her all the time. I wish this had never happened again.
Day 2123 - Perspective - *Sometimes I get tired, really really tired ...* And then I put things into perspective. I'm not tired because I'm terminally ill, nor am I tired because...
1 day ago